Share Your Thoughts

As a career counselor who specializes in working with mothers, many of whom are sequencing moms, I am continually amazed by the abundance of talent that lies within the stay-at-home mom population. Well-educated women, with significant work and life experience, these moms represent a wealth of expertise that brings new meaning to the phrase, "Just a stay-at-home-mom."

Yet in spite of all their accomplishments, many of these women worry that their eventual return to the paid workplace is destined to be a difficult journey. This past week, I received a letter from one such mom, and it so poignantly captured the emotions involved with this transition, that I asked her permission to share her correspondence. She graciously obliged and I have reprinted the letter in its entirety below.

I will post my reply to her letter in the next newsletter, but in the meantime, I hope you will take a few minutes out of your busy day to share your thoughts on this most important topic by posting in our comments section below.

Dear Ms Collamer,

I hope you won’t mind my writing to you unsolicited. I have just read the article in More magazine, which quoted you, and what you said struck such a very strong chord that I felt compelled to be in touch. No doubt I am not the only one, and if you have been awash in such correspondence I apologise. I realize that you undoubtedly charge for counseling services but at this stage I am not even sure that such counseling is the right next move for me.

Many years ago I believed I was doing all the right things to ensure a long and reasonably prosperous career of some sort. I got as highly educated as I could afford, pursued a career in advertising with a certain amount of ambition and success and then moved into non-profit marketing and fundraising in order to use those skills while feeling better about myself. Then wham! marriage, children and emigration to the US. Since then I have cobbled together a life of mostly at-home motherhood with a fair bit of freelance writing, regular if infrequent theatre directing, a little teaching, administrative and strategic support for my husband’s music career, and even, recently, doing voice over work!

I am more than ready to go back to a more regular, almost full time (!) career, (my husband travels a lot and I am often a single parent in effect) and am certainly eager to begin the process of preparing for that reality in a few years when my children won’t want me to be there, let alone need me to be. But at this point I feel unqualified for anything. My résumé looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. There are jobs I am sure I could do, but can’t possibly prove it. I have almost no relevant, demonstrable evidence of anything much. It is thirteen years since I had a “real job”. I am not entrepreneurial by nature, though not lacking in good ideas for other people! I have thought about going back to school and completely requalifying as something else entirely – indeed a careers counseling program I did several years ago pointed to that idea, (careers counseling came out top on the various measures and tests I took!!!) but classes have proven incompatible with family life and at this point I need to bringing money in, not spending it on more time as a student. I feel like I must have made some really poor decisions along the line to be so seemingly smart and so stupidly unemployable.

I would certainly love to hear your thoughts on this, I now realize, not unique position. If you feel that whatever counseling you offer would indeed be appropriate I would be interested in learning more. I am nervous of going down that path willy nilly, as I am aware of how indulgent it can be if I am not able to act on advice immediately, but no doubt you are aware of that too.

In any event, thanks for your time and patience in reading this. Congratulations on turning your passion into a business – I admire you enormously.

Very sincerely,

Stevie Zimmerman

Comments

[Rolanda]

Deciding to stay home with your child is never a poor decision, but you do need just like I did a person(s) to evaluate your skills and come up with a job title(s) and then you can a starting point.A Starting point is what you need and then things start to fall in place..The job market titles will leave you thinking you are not qualified for anything. You seem to have multiple people and creative skills. Think about your likes and build from their. Our decisions are never easy. You still have the Lawyer/Doctor out there with no Husband/Kids feeling the same way. But we have heads up with our children and then second careers because being a mom is a career. Keep searching because that is the mode you are in now. I work outside the home doing something I like and I also have a little business I do too! I may not make alot of money according to nowadays standards, but I am a millionaire by my standards. I work , take care of home and create my life with my husband.Don't let anyone tell you it cannot be done, just not all wrap up in a neat package is the only thing that cannot be done for us because we are the creators of multi-life.

[Ellen Ingraham]

Stevie,

I see a kindred spirit peeking through in your letter, as I am sure many people do. I had a successful 20 year-career in "Big Pharma" and when I got downsized, did not have the energy or the desire to try to get back into the rat race, so for the last four and a half years I have been trying different businesses with varying degrees of success (I named this "The Search"); the best news is - I finally found my niche (or as Robert Middleton, Marketing Guru says, it found me). I never considered myself entrepreneurial, but have a deep inner drive for accomplishment while staying home with my children who are 14 and 10 years old. I have never been driven by money, and that perhaps has been the biggest challenge; to concentrate on income-producing activities and learn how to ask for money... I'll share the steps I took and Lessons Learned, in hopes that some may help you or someone else.
I took 16 classes at the local Small Business Development Center, and then became a Counselor there. Lesson Learned: Helped to open my mind, broaden my horizons and build my network.
I tried writing business plans and marketing consulting services for small businesses. Lesson Learned: This was a very difficult market in the rural area I live in, as I found most small local businesses do not have the funds to invest in consultants, or believe that business or marketing plans are a worthy investment. I kept trying different models and coming up with the same results; my market did not hold enough business to succeed. I was also uncertain of my skill level, so it didn't matter whether I had the skills or not. If I didn't believe deep down, it wasn't going to happen.
I then sold air purifiers for a direct sales company! Lesson Learned: This one took quite a bite out of the big corporate ego, but it was a good experience, nonetheless; it allowed me to join networking groups in my area with a PRODUCT rather than my own services for which I did not have a clear marketing message, AND gave me the experience of running my own business, soup to nuts. Lesson Learned: Repetition = Boredom = Death of Self.
I then started marketing an on-line card service that I love - it can be used by consumers for personal needs or businesses for direct mail campaigns. This got me into the Customer Relationship Management (CRM) Arena, which I had a lot of experience with as a USER, from being in Sales, Sales Management, Marketing and Communications in my corporate career. All during this time, I was getting more experienced with technology and looking up absolutely EVERYTHING that interested me on the net. Throughout "The Search", I had ALL KINDS OF CUSTOMERS, and would find different products on the Internet that were meant for corporate use, and "downsize" the essence of them to use for my customers. In the middle of all this what seemed like a chaotic mess from the outside, I read Barbara Sher's new book "Refuse to Choose", and it was one of those times in life where you find a resource that you feel in your soul has been written just for you. (I highly recommend it, as in your letter it sounds like you are a Scanner too!) While I was joyfully completing all the exercises in her book, a client appeared who at first seemed only to want to use the card service. He was an outside sales rep, who upon further investigation actually needed a CRM system. So I wrote a proposal for his management that I would get him up and running on a CRM system, and if it worked out, roll it out to the sales force. A NICHE WAS BORN! Helping the non-IT decision maker from Small/Medium Businesses (SMB) to choose the right CRM solution for their needs. I now have a calling, a passion, something that will use all my skills, honed during both my corporate time and during "The Search", and I can have a website, blog, e-books, phone consulting, my card business…the highly recommended-for-success, "multiple streams of income".
What has also helped me immeasurably was getting involved with a Mastermind Group of small business owners. Ours happens to be all women, named "Being in Greatness", or as we fondly refer to it, "BIG";we meet every two weeks, review our actions, set goals, and are challenged and held accountable by the group. It is the MOST WONDERFUL SUPPORT I have received. We have BIG ideas, BIG goals and help each other DREAM BIG.
On a more personal note, I have written a prayer about my business so that I may always be guided by a Higher Power. I am learning about intentions and manifesting my Ideal Life, which is to grow spiritually as well as personally, professionally and financially. I plan to have a page on my site of all the resources I've used and how I've re-worked them for the small business owner, so if you would like the list, please let me know and I will send it to you, or if Nancy doesn't mind, we can post it on her site somewhere. Speaking of Nancy, her e-zine is one I regularly read and her resources and advice are the greatest. She has definitely helped me through "The Search"!

Enough for today!

Warmest regards and wishes for success to all,

Ellen Ingraham
‘CRM Answer Queen!

[Cynthia]

While reading this letter, I felt as though I was reading about my own life, albeit a few years down the road. My children are still young (4 and 1) and I've decided to stay at home with them now, freelancing on the side for some extra money. However, I'm already feeling the pressure of that future return to full-time work and what it will look like. I've even considered trying to pursue my MBA part-time while I stay at home just to have a current credential to add to my resume once I'm back on the career track, although I'm quite sure it's not financially feasible.

Why does having children and putting a career on hold for a time have to be such a frustrating and worrysome endeavour when we're clearly doing something in the best interest of our most precious assets?

I will look forward to Nancy's response next week and to hearing about Stevie's next steps!

[Heidi]

Stevie,
There are so many coincidences and similarities between your story and mine, I won't repeat them and may just assume we could have been separted at birth. I too am in that precarious position of being both underqualified as my resume might indicate, yet as anyone who has ever worked for me or with me would agree, I am overqualified for the jobs which cross my path. I am an optimist by nature but the very narrow parameters I have in place for "the job" seem to have me treading water in the half empty glass. I too love to learn and have been tempted by this or that advanced degree or certificate programs offered right here practically in my backyard (I live near Berkeley), but how to justify the cost, the time and then pray that I've made the right choice in the end? I am trying to "dwell in the world of possibilities" and pray that my fairy job mother visits soon with the fulfilling career that will allow me to balance my family and health at the same time. In the mean time I will check out Barbara Sher's book.

[D]

Are you saying you made a poor decision because you decided to stay home with your child? After many years of beating myself up for staying home with my two children, I can tell you it's not a poor decision but good one. You and your child will thank you for it later. As far as the career is concerned, try taking one of the career questionaire surveys. (This should give you some footing as to where your strengths lie and as to what career(s) would be most suitable for you.) Remember all those years were not wasted. Take a deep breath, figure out which of your skills you could use that would really make you content with yourself, plan, and then act. Enjoy life, don't wallow in time used or lost.

[LMK]

Wow! I so relate. Job hunting now for a frustrating 11 months (in a new city/state - network is still very small). 4 kids - 8 to 16 years old. Mostly home raising them since 1990. BA in 1993. Always had some type of part time work (hobby) self-employment situation going on since graduating from college, but now it's time for a 'real' job, and I feel completely inadequate!
I know the job (stay-at-home-mom) I've had for 16 years now is the most important job I will ever have, and I'm grateful for it. (I believe it is the #1 most difficult job that exists - and I highly admire and respect those that do it well.) Knowing that raising a family is so important and valuable aside, I ask, why is it that so many multi-skilled women feel so insecure (myself included) in reintering the workforce?
Example: My father told me of a time, 20 years ago, when he hired a new office manager. She had been home for years and was so nervous about her abilities in the office. She was literally shocked when he offered her the job - she seriously doubted that he would hire her. He said she was one of the best & hardest workers he had ever hired. She was smart, ready to learn, organized, worked well with people, detailed, etc. etc. etc. -- And yet she was insecure?!
This phenomenon is baffling to me, but it is very real and apparently very common. For myself now, it is a matter of just jumping in and doing it! I know my confidence will return with hands on experience and a little time. I sure loved the comment about the 'fairy job mother'! Though I didn't know her name (good one Heidi) I've been waiting for her for years! But alas, I have to be my own fairy job mother - like it or not - and just make my plan and then DO it!
Thank you ladies for the letter and the comments. It has been comforting and inspiring to know I am not alone in these challenges, and that I can do this!

[wendy]

I wish you great success. I hope what I wrote in response will be of some use to you. I also want to thank you for your letter- it inspired me to read through the rest of the posts on this blog where I discovered again that thank goodness I am not the only person who feels these things.
I am an attorney and was a county prosecutor for a large city for 20 years before I was blessed to give birth to our daughter when I was 47! I stayed home with her until this year when she turned 7 and a half. Despite my very best efforts I could not find a part time attorney position. I discovered why I wasn't having any luck when I had an astonishing (at least to me) conversation with a legal recruiter. After I swore I wouldn't sue him, he bluntly told me the truth about why I couldn't find a part time job despite a pretty impressive resume: "Why would any law firm want to hire you? You're old. They could hire a brand new lawyer right out of law school who really knows the law!"
I never wanted to have my own business but after this conversation I tried multi level marketing (hate sales), being a receptionist (lousy office skills and I don't take orders well!), and finally started my own appearance business (I go to court for lawyers with time conflicts). Boring, but I could work around my daughter's school/vacation schedule.
Now at last I have been hired full time as an attorney for a government agency. I have no experience in this area of law. I am not nearly as afraid of failing as I would have been 8 years ago. If nothing else, I have painfully learned that all of us, despite how good we sometimes look on the outside, are just not perfect.
Interestingly, I now believe now that what makes the most difference in any business are my original old fashioned values that the Women's movement told me were nonsense. I believe that being nice to people and having an excellent work ethic will further my career much more than all of the advanced degrees in the world.

[law of attraction]

I’m so glad that I have found your post. I have been unsure of this topic for some time and you have enabled me to understand it a whole lot better. I really appreciate it. I was reading a post a while ago that helped me in the same way that yours has.